Ne Plus Ultra
by AkatsukiAddict
Summary: When the Akatsuki leader recruits two new members, everyone in the organization's horrified to find that one of them's a Mary Sue and that the other's a total fashion disaster! Crackfic. Rated T for language.
1. The Psycho and the Colorblind Thing

Disclaimer: Err... why do we- the poor, penniless fanfic authors- even _need _this? **Sue me, go ahead!** But guess what? You don't even know where I live! AHAHAHA!!!

**This story may be offending to Christians or people of any race, but it is not intentional. Just to let you know, I am:**

An Asian _(but I love people of all races!)_, a Christian _(but I love people of any religion)_, and a weirdo who has no life. My sister has a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Uh, yeah, the last part was totally random and unnecessary.

**_IF I DO OFFEND YOU OR HURT YOU FEELINGS, TELL ME. AND THEN I WILL GO SLAP MYSELF REPEATEDLY UNTIL I SEE STARS. PLEASE, DO NOT HESITATE. _**

_Enjoy the story!_

* * *

Ne Plus Ultra

"Gentlemen, I have some great news for you!" the Akatsuki leader announced loudly at the emergency meeting he had put together suddenly.

Everyone was there- or at least, everyone who was still alive.

Sasori was gone.

Hidan and Kakuzu, who were both _immortal_, were demolished not too long after him.

Deidara and Tobi had gone to fight Sasuke but somehow, the leader had found them and dragged them away. They had disappeared in the blink of an eye, much to Sasuke's amazement. He was still wondering where they had run off to, afraid to blink again. His eyes were turning redder than his Sharingan.

So who was left?

Itachi and Kisame were still alive and unharmed. Well, Itachi was going blind but other than that, he was perfectly fine.

Deidara and Tobi were back.

Zetsu was doing well, being one of the minor Akatsuki characters.

The unknown man/woman with the blue hat and the white flower didn't even fight any Naruto character yet, so he/she was healthy and great.

Only seven members were left, if you included the leader. Sasori had been replaced already with Tobi, so there were no extras anymore.

The Akatsuki was in trouble. No one admitted it, but they were all worried.

Who would be able to take over once all of them were gone? Was the leader going to find new recruits, or was he just leaving the organization to die slowly? What was going to happen?

_WHAT THE FUDGE WERE THEY GOING TO DO?_

Thus, this story was born. Oops, I mean… err… how silly of me! Did I say _story_? Oh my, um…

LOOK, A SQUIRREL!

Okay, on with _real _life!

"I have found two recruits already. Their names are Sorano and Saiko. They will replace Hidan and Kakuzu, so that we have nine members again," the leader informed everyone.

"Great, who are they, yeah?" Deidara asked, curious.

"They're right here beside me! Blue hat-wearing idiot, go turn on the lights!" the leader commanded sternly.

"What? Blue hat-wearing _idiot_?" the blue hat-wearing dude/dudette cried. "How dare you! All of you know that my name is-"

A bird screeched loudly in the background.

"Shut up! Does it _look _like I care?" the leader huffed.

The blue hat-wearing dude/dudette gasped and shouted, "I quit! You guys suck- all of you!" Then, he disappeared into thin air and went off to North Korea.

"We'll never see _him _again," Kisame thought aloud, raising his eyebrow.

"Good riddance, yeah," Deidara smirked.

The leader cleared his throat and continued nonchalantly, "Anyways, here they are." He snapped his fingers, causing the lights to turn on.

"Wow, the leader can turn on the light just by snapping his fingers?" Tobi questioned, amazed.

"You didn't know, yeah?" Deidara asked, chuckling.

"But then why'd the leader make that blue hat-wearing dude turn on the-"he started to inquire but was cut off sharply by the leader.

"_SILENCE!_ Do not question my actions," he hissed, glaring at poor Tobi hatefully.

Tobi whimpered, feeling hurt.

"Look at them. The one on the right is beautiful, no?" the leader smiled, stepping aside to reveal two women.

"What the fuck? She's hideous!" Blacky, the black side of Zetsu's face grimaced, glancing at her.

She had very short, plain black hair. Her hair wasn't even jet-black; it was dull black. Plus, her split ends had split ends! Deidara nearly vomited- he had never ever seen _multiple _split ends before. The ends of her hair were _white_. It looked like she had dandruff sprinkled on her split ends.

Even her glasses were repulsive. They were _huge_, and had a thick leopard-print frame.

Also, her outfit looked like it was put together by a blind grandmother. She wore a long purple dress that had weird brown triangles and circles everywhere! What's worse is that the sleeves of her dress were long and… _orange_. The bottom of her dress reached her ankles, ending with an uneven dark green hem.

Her shoes, a pair of moccasins, were stripped blue, yellow, and red. Even Itachi shuddered. He didn't know that those even _existed_.

Her face was okay, but not pretty. But you couldn't even see half of it because they were covered by her long, uneven bangs and her massive glasses. Her nose was fine- nothing special. Her lips were curved and pink, but they were severely chapped. She had obviously never heard of chapstick or lipgloss.

Her skin color was a light tan color- a little yellow. She was probably Asian.

She was thin, but not in a slender, sexy way. Her boobs weren't tiny, but they weren't big, either- just average; a small B-cup, maybe. She could've passed _easily_ as a boy.

She was _not _beautiful.

"Holy shit," Kisame mumbled, wide-eyed.

"Are you kidding me, yeah?" Deidara cried, astounded. "Leader, you think _she's _beautiful? You're even blinder than Itachi, yeah!"

"Deidara…" Itachi warned threateningly.

Deidara merely ignored him.

The leader stared at them confused, and then realized his mistake.

"Oh, I meant the one on _my_ right!" he laughed.

"Huh?" Tobi inquired.

Then, the woman on _his_ right turned around, revealing herself to the other Akatsuki members.

God, she was _gorgeous._

Kisame drooled lustfully.

Zetsu licked his lips hungrily.

Deidara stared enviously at her hair.

Tobi remained the same, just smiling innocently as always.

Itachi merely seemed puzzled. Maybe he was gay, for any straight guy would've been turned on by her.

She had smooth, straight, waist-long hair. The color of her right eye was an ocean blue, and her left eye was a beautiful emerald green. Her skin was the color of ivory, smooth and radiant. Her lips were perfectly plump and pink, her teeth white and straight.

She wore a very revealing rose-pink dress, cut so low that her full, milky-white breasts threatened to spill out. One of the thin spaghetti-straps holding up her flimsy dress fell down, revealing a smooth, flawless shoulder. The pink ballet shoes she had on matched her dress perfectly. The hem of her dress ended right below her butt, revealing her long, slender white legs.

She was_ beautiful_.

"I've never seen hair like that before, yeah," Deidara gasped. "It's so healthy- I have to ask what kind of shampoo she uses!" he added, murmuring quietly under his breath.

"Damn, she's smexy. I'd totally do her," Kisame grinned.

The woman blushed and then shyly introduced herself. "My name is Uchiha Saiko. I am pleased to meet you all."

Itachi glared at her and then said coldly, "You are _not _an Uchiha. If you are, then I would've killed you long ago."

The leader shouted angrily, "DO NOT SPEAK TO HER IN SUCH A RUDE MANNER!"

Saiko suddenly started sobbing loudly, tears streaming beautifully down her perfect face.

"It's alright, he's just troubled," she cried, her eyes full of pity and sympathy.

"Look, you made her cry, yeah," Deidara sighed. "Itachi, you should never talk to women like that, yeah."

"She is kind of a bimbo though," Blacky stated.

"Don't be mean Blacky," Whitey, the white-side of his face replied, his voice soft.

"What's her bloodline limit, and what clan is she _really _from?" Kisame questioned. He didn't really believe that she came from the Uchiha clan, either.

"My bloodline limit is the Sharingan," Saiko answered quietly.

"Stop lying," Itachi commanded monotonously.

"It's the fucking truth!" she huffed, crossing her arms.

"What the-"Blacky started to say, but Kisame interrupted him rudely.

"What the hell? Did she just change her personality?" the shark-man asked, incredulous.

"Talk about being bipolar, yeah," Deidara mumbled, a little freaked out.

"Oh no, I just said the 'f' word!" she gasped, her eyes widening.

"No shit," Hidan said, appearing out of nowhere.

"What the-"Blacky started to say, but Kisame cut him off once again.

"Holy crap; no matter how hot she is, there is _no way _I'm going to do her. She's just way too fucked up," he thought aloud.

"Um, I can hear you," she scoffed, turning mean again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Hidan asked, freaked out.

"_Language, _Hidan," Sasori reminded him, suddenly alive again.

"Where the fuck did you come from?" Blacky asked, puzzled.

"Sasori-danna, you're alive, yeah!" Deidara smiled happily.

"Unfortunately, I'm human now," Sasori said sadly. "I have feelings again."

"Wow, that's new, yeah," his ex-partner stated, raising his eyebrow.

"Guys, I'm so sorry for my behavior," Saiko apologized cutely. "You see, I have this demon inside of me. It takes over and makes me act mean and cruel."

"Hey, who's that hot chick next to her?" Sasori questioned, pointing to the other, very tacky girl next to Saiko.

Saiko gasped. "_I'm_ the one who brought you, Hidan, _and _Kakuzu back to life! Don't you remember me? Does the name 'Saiko' ring a bell?"

"Psycho?" Sasori asked. "What kind of name is _that_?"

"Ooh, psycho- that's a funny name!" Tobi exclaimed happily.

"Wow, I _just _noticed that her name sounds like 'psycho'," Kisame stated, feeling very dumb.

"You brought people back to life? That's impossible," Itachi informed her calmly.

"Darling, how _are _you?" Saiko questioned, smiling. She was her 'nice' self again.

"Leader, you recruited a 'Saiko'. Get it? You know, as in a '_psycho_'? AHAHAHA!!!" Sasori laughed loudly.

"Sasori-danna, you must've been really crazy when you were a human, yeah," Deidara stated.

"No, I'm just on drugs. She's the one who gave me them. Supposedly, they're supposed to make me fall in love with her but-"  
Saiko suddenly cut him off saying, "He's lying! I am drug-free, and I totally disapprove of drugs! Sasori, how could you be so cruel to me? I brought you back to life!"

Sasori frowned and stated, "Well, I would be grateful, but you fed me drugs that made me turn into a human. Then, you mumbled some jumbo-mumbo about taking over the universe and becoming the most wanted woman. Why should I be thankful to a person like you? You're a total hypocrite."

_Ooh, burn!_

Saiko gasped and started crying, teleporting from where she was previously standing to where Itachi was standing. Then, she threw herself onto him and clung onto him like a parasite!

Itachi froze, stunned. He tried to get her off discreetly by pushing her away hard, but that failed. So instead, he growled, "Get off my arm."

Inside, Saiko was confused. Her beauty was supposed to attract everyone! What was going wrong? The only person who was attracted to her was Kisame, and even he wouldn't have sex with her after he had seen her real side.

"Why won't anyone accept me for who I am?" she sniffed, crying prettily.

Kisame, Deidara, and Hidan's hearts softened.

"Hey, I'm sorry, seriously. I guess it's not your fault that you're so fucked up," Hidan sighed apologetically.

"I apologize also. And I would totally do you," Kisame admitted, his voice soft.

"Me too- I was being a jerk, yeah. Sorry," Deidara apologized.

"There, there. Everything's fine now, Saiko-chan," the leader smiled, acting like a protective father.

Itachi was puzzled for the first time in his life. He was a genius, but he still couldn't figure out how Saiko had made Kisame, Deidara, Hidan, and the leader fall in love with her. After all, this was the Akatsuki. This organization was built entirely out of cold, heartless, S-class criminals.

What the _fuck _was happening?

Meanwhile, Sasori stared longingly at the quiet, shy girl standing next to the leader. Did he see a beautiful girl instead of a fashion disaster that the others saw?

Or was he just blind from the drugs?

And where the schnitzel was Kakuzu?

_Tune in and find out in the next chapter…_

* * *

**P.S. 'Saiko' is supposed to sound like 'Psycho'. **

Please review and tell me if it was good or if it _SUCKED ASS AND YOU TOTALLY WANT TO KILL ME AND MY GRANDMA._

_-AkatsukiAddict_


	2. Quidditch and Underwear

I couldn't resist- I'm addicted to reviews! I broke my vow with God so I absolutely _have to_ keep the other three vows that I made.

So, here it is: Chapter Two! Review after you're done, please... even a quick 'good chapter' works for me. :)

* * *

Chapter Two

"If you guys are going to stand around chatting all day about _her_, can I go unpack my things?" the new girl asked the leader impatiently.

The leader turned around to look at her, and you could tell by his expression that he had completely forgotten that she was there.

"What? Um-_oh_ yes, of course!" he stammered, dismissing her nonchalantly with a wave of his hand, flipping his head back to continue staring at Saiko's 'natural' beauty.

"I shall assist!" Sasori volunteered randomly, hopping off his Giant Freaky Hand (G.F.H.) finger and following the new girl.

Itachi saw the sudden opportunity to escape and grabbed it muttering quickly, "I shall also go help out." and disappearing from that place before anyone can say 'Quidditch'.

Saiko, however, noticed this way before the others did because she was a super kunoichi. She was fabulous in everything that she did.

She was sensational in sensing chakra, estimating other ninjas' chakra levels, finding lost pets in an instance, defeating enemies in mere minutes, seducing both male and female ninjas whenever she had to, and completing missions at record speed! Oh yes, 'Uchiha' Saiko was one kunoichi that you did _not _want to mess with.

Unfortunately for the new girl, Saiko felt that she had interfered with her sexiness. That new girl had grabbed the attention of Akasuna no Sasori, Uchiha Itachi (well, not really… he had just wanted to get away from her), and soon, she would steal the others away from her. Saiko growled. She simply couldn't allow this!

Meanwhile, the new girl paused and looked behind her as she was about to enter the room. Sasori and Itachi stared back.

She raised an eyebrow and…

"DON'T YOU _DARE _GO RAISING YOUR EYEBROWS AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME??" an angry voice bellowed out.

The new girl jumped up- along with Sasori and Itachi- and turned around.

Kakuzu was standing behind her, emotionless. He stared back at her as if he had no idea where that voice came from.

"Oh, you still don't like the eyebrow-raising, Kakuzu?" Sasori questioned, amused.

"_No_, I do not," he replied crisply.

"That's obvious," Itachi said. Oh, was that a hint of sarcasm in his voice?

"Oh my, were you being _sarcastic_, Itachi?" Sasori gasped mockingly.

"Shut-"Itachi started to say but was cut off by the new girl.

"Dudes, can you open this door? The door keeps asking for a password and I don't know what it is," she sighed sadly.

Sasori walked toward her, looked at the door, and articulated clearly, "_Harry Potter is amazing."_

The wooden door slid open, revealing a huge room behind it.

The new girl stared and inquired aloud, "Why are there five queen-sized beds?"

"_What_?" Itachi asked coldly, going over to where the new girl was and peering inside at the room.

"It changed," Kakuzu uttered under his breath angrily. What was the meaning of this? Did the leader want half of the members to sleep on the ground?

"Maybe the leader wants us to make children," Sasori hypothesized stupidly.

"This organization has more males than females. Therefore, it is impossible to reproduce," Itachi informed him tediously.

"Whatever, I'm going in," she shrugged, sauntering in there and sitting down on the bed nearest to the door. Her suitcase and duffel bag were already there on top of the bed. She opened the suitcase, unzipped the duffel bag, and began unpacking while the others walked into the room cautiously.

"What the heck is up with this room?" Sasori questioned, sounding frustrated that he couldn't figure the answer out.

"_The author wants some action_!" Kakuzu declared randomly, his eyes widening in fright.

Itachi glanced at Kakuzu with an odd look on his face before he left the trio to sit down on another bed.

As he sat down, he saw a sign on the headboard of the bed. It read: 'For Tobi and Deidara.'

_What?_

Rubbing his eyes, the Uchiha read it again, his face mere millimeters from the black words.

There was no mistake.

Fascinated, he stood up and checked all the other beds. The bed next to that one had a sign that had the names, 'Hidan and Kakuzu'. The one next to that one had, 'Itachi and Kisame', and the last one had, "Saiko and Zetsu.'

So that must have meant that the bed the new girl was sitting on had the sign that said…

He sprinted over to the bed nearest to the door, leaned over the new girl's shoulder, stuck his face right in front of the sign, and squinted his eyes to read: 'Sorano and Sasori'.

"Hey man, what are you doing?" the girl asked angrily, pushing Itachi off of her shoulder, causing him to roll of the bed.

Sasori and Kakuzu looked at him as if he had gone mad.

Itachi stood up as gracefully as he could and declared, "For some unknown reason, it seems that that bed is for you and Sasori. There is a sign that has your names on it."

Sasori and the new girl turned around to peer at the sign and sure enough, it had their names on it in black, fancy letters.

"_Noooo!!!_" the girl screamed, clapping her hands over her cheeks and pulling them down so that her face looked like it was from the movie 'Scream'.

"Hey, I'm not _that _bad!" Sasori cried, looking offended.

"It's not that, it's just…" the girl started to say once she realized that she had hurt his feelings but stopped once she saw his mouth curl into a perverted smile.

"What the-"she grimaced, her face twisting into a look of confusion.

"Come to Daddy," he cackled, suddenly jumping onto the bed and grabbing her arm.

Itachi and Kakuzu both backed away, thinking: _'Sasori can rape that girl all he wants, just as long as he doesn't turn gay and rape me.'_

The girl did not have any intention of letting herself get raped. Well, actually, no girl does when she's about to get molested, but this girl would seriously rather die than to get raped.

When he gripped her arm tightly and jumped on her, she bit his shoulder hard, kneed him sharply in the balls, and elbowed him in the ribs with her free arm.

Suffering from an immense amount of pain, Sasori rolled over onto his side and screamed in agony, clutching his balls.

The girl breathed heavily and gasped out, "Sorry man, but I had to do it. I do not believe in sex before marriage."

Kakuzu and Itachi stared at her, shocked.

"I didn't believe anyone actually believed in sex _after _marriage," Kakuzu spoke slowly, backing away farther.

"_No one_ resists Big Daddy. No one, I say, _especially _the virgins!" Sasori roared noisily in the background.

"Shut up," Itachi hissed, walking over to him and hitting him harshly on the head, sufficiently knocking him out for a few hours.

"_Nice_," Kakuzu said appreciatively.

"Thank you."

"Oh yeah, I never found out what your names are!" the girl exclaimed. "Mine's Amano Sorano."

"It rhymes," Kakuzu told her aimlessly.

"Yep," she nodded.

"Amano means 'heaven field', and Sorano roughly means, 'of the sky'?" Itachi questioned.

"Err, I'm pretty sure about 'Amano', but I'm not too sure about "Sorano'. 'Sora' means 'sky', so it should be pretty close…"

"Why are we discussing this?" Kakuzu asked aloud.

"I don't know."

"Do you know why your parents named you that?"

"They randomly picked that name from the computer because they didn't know what to name me."

"That's horrible."

Sorano looked at him strangely and replied, "Actually, that's what I would do."

"You're considered very lucky compared to what my clan did to me," Itachi informed her.

"Why, what'd they do?"

"Well, can't you tell?"

"No…"

"My clan looks at the infant and decides his name by what his appearance looks like."

"And…?"

Itachi looked at her as if she was the stupidest person in the world.

"Uh, why are you looking at me like that?"

"My name's Itachi."

"Wait, so you're saying-"

"Yes."

She laughed and shouted delightfully, "_Aha_, your parents thought that you looked like a _weasel_? No way, dude!"

Itachi glared at her. "I don't find it very funny."

Kakuzu joined in with wild guffaws. Of course his laugh was going to sound weird, considering as how he had never laughed before, but even with that excuse you could definitely say that his laugh was very unique.

"WOOHABABABA BOOHAHOOHOOHOO!!! LAWAIWIAIAIA!!!" he chortled gleefully, spitting all over Itachi's face.

I don't think that _anyone _could imitate Kakuzu's laugh. It sounded like a whole different language.

Itachi wiped the saliva off of his face with the back of his hand and retreated to the safety of his bed, which was far across the room.

"Whew, anyways, what's your name?" Sorano asked, clutching her stomach and panting for air as she stopped laughing.

"Kakuzu," he answered seriously, wiping tears from his eyes as he calmed down and managed to recover his self-control.

"Well, that's a nice name. Much better than _Itachi_," she choked out, bursting into a fit of wild giggles again.

Kakuzu coughed and grimaced, pushing the wave of laughter back down.

"Anyways, I'm going to unpack. You should probably get ready to get to bed, it's almost-"she paused to check her watch and then notified him, "it's almost twelve."

He nodded, strolled to the bathroom and closed the door firmly behind him.

She took out all of her clothes, grabbed a nightdress and a jacket, sorted the rest of the clothes quickly into organized piles, and then shoved them into the drawers that were by the bed.

Then, checking to make sure that no one was looking (Sasori was knocked out and Itachi seemed to be asleep), she quickly changed into the long orange nightdress. Well actually, the 'nightdress' was really a _huge, _long T-shirt, but eh, no one cares.

Then, she took off her glasses, picked up her bag of toiletries, a towel, and padded to the bathroom.

Knocking on the door, she announced loudly, "Kakuzu, I'm coming in!"

Hearing no reply, she opened the door and stuck her head in, vigilantly looking around. The bathroom was full of steam and there was a dark figure behind the slightly see-through shower curtain; Kakuzu must've been taking a shower.

Shutting the door behind her, she peed in the toilet as quickly as she could (she didn't want Kakuzu to see her half-naked), tip-toed over to the sink, brushed her teeth, scrubbed her face with soap, and was _almost _out of there faster than you could say, 'Quidditch is a wonderful, creative sport which consists of balls, broomsticks, hot men, and sexy women getting hit by big balls and broomsticks while they are flying around in the air screaming at the Seeker, '_Get the friggin' Snitch_,' while the Seeker is rubbing his glasses on his Gryffindor Quidditch uniform and panicking like a little baby bird trapped in a big, scary thunderstorm.'

But, I mean, compared to other girls she's pretty darn quick- which explains the split ends, chapped lips, and… hairy legs?

Well, everyone's born with hairy legs. If not, you'll get the hair eventually.

Anyways, she wasn't out of there fast enough.

After all, stories- I mean, _life- _is full of conflicts!

This is where the conflict comes in.

Sorano stuffed all of her stuff back in her small bag and was _just _about to leave, when…

Okay, everyone should know this part.

_WHEN KAKUZU CAME OUT OF THE SHOWERS IN HIS GLORIOUS BIRTHDAY SUIT! _

She screamed as she saw his 'special' parts and as she was backing away, her foot slipped on a puddle of water, thus making her drop her bag and causing her to fall down hard on her butt. And then her dress slipped down to her hips, revealing her _SEXY_ _VICTORIA'S SECRET UNDERWEAR??_

WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER THIS?

_Find out in the next chapter…_

_**HAHA**_**, JUST KIDDING!**

Sorry, that totally wasn't funny…

Replay: She screamed as she saw his 'special' parts and as she was backing away, her foot slipped on a puddle of water, thus making her drop her bag and causing her to fall down hard on her butt. And then her dress slipped down to her hips, revealing her sexy, Victoria's Secret underwear!

Actually, they weren't really sexy. They were black, _not _see-through, cotton, and pretty normal. You expected her to wear granny panties or something, right? Well, fortunately for us, she wears pretty normal underwear.

Kakuzu just glanced at her, snatched a towel off the rack on the wall, wrapped it around his waist and acted as it nothing was wrong.

Noticing this, she stammered, baffled, "H-hey dude, y-y-you just t-totally _flashed _your family's jewels! A-aren't you g-going to like, _say _something?"

He turned to look at her and ordered her frostily, "Yes. _Get out._"

She jumped up, rinsed her hands hastily (she had touched the dirty bathroom floor), turned the doorknob, and threw herself out into the bedroom, her face hitting the cold wooden floor.

The door slammed behind her.

Huffing, she stood up and stomped over to her bed.

Sasori was hogging the entire bed to himself, his body sprawled diagonally across and his arms and legs placed firmly on the blanket.

She created some doppelgangers and made them pick him off of the bed. They vanished one by one into a puff of smoke after he whacked them on the head, mumbling in his sleep, "Give me your glasses, Mr. Stadler!"

Ignoring this, she smoothed the pillows out and tugged the blanket off the bed. Then, she produced some more doppelgangers and made them carry him back onto the bed. She felt guilty that he was lying on the hard floor, conked out.

When he was back on the bed, she rolled him over so that he was on his side, facing _away _from her side, and slipped into bed, pulling the blankets from the floor back onto the bed.

As she was about to close her eyes, Kakuzu came out of the bathroom, mist pouring out from behind him.

Remembering the humiliating moment that occurred not too long ago, she rolled over so that she was facing Sasori's back.

The bed wasn't big enough for the two to be far apart. Her nose was almost touching the back of his sweaty shirt. As she breathed in, she inhaled a nasty whiff of manliness, a.k.a. sweat, dirt, alcohol, puberty, and other nasty things.

_Ugh, disgusting… _she winced.

At that moment, Sasori turned around so that her nose was now almost connecting with the _front _of his shirt, which smelled around ten times worse.

She leaned her head back, trying to get away from the smell. Two thoughts came to her mind at that moment: '_I have to get away…' _and _'He _seriously _needs to take a shower.'_

At this point, Sorano was _desperate_. She rolled off the mattress, ran over to where Itachi was sleeping, and crawled into his bed.

Itachi opened his eyes, feeling another weight on the cot, and cringed.

"_What are you doing here_?" he spat out angrily.

She looked at him with a pleading look in her eyes and whined, "He _stinks_!"

Confused, he replied coolly, "Sasori can't be that bad. Go back to your bed, _now._"

"No, seriously, he _smells_," she stated heatedly. "Go over there and smell him if you don't believe me, although you can almost smell his body odor from here if you sniff really hard."

"I would prefer not to. Just get out of my bed."

"No way, you go sleep there with him. I'll stay here. I'm a girl, so my nose is way more sensitive than yours."

"I don't think that makes any sense."

"Well, I think it makes perfect sense."

Itachi had enough. Gritting his teeth, he growled, "If you do not get out of this bed in five seconds, I will slit your throat. _One…_"

Sorano fell out of the bed before he reached number two.

"Fine, if you'd rather sleep with Saiko then fine by me," she sulked, crossing her arms.

He sat up and asked, "If you've read the sign properly, then you'll see that it says, 'Kisame and Itachi'. Saiko sleeps with Zetsu."

She smirked menacingly and replied, "Yeah, but Saiko fancies you. She'll do whatever it takes to make you like her, which probably includes sleeping with you. I know she's going to persuade Kisame to switch beds with her, so that he'll sleep with Zetsu and she'll sleep with you."

"How do you know this?"

She scoffed. "Dude, how can you _not _know this? It's so obvious that she's totally crushing on you, and seeing how 'psycho' she is, she's going to do whatever it takes to reach her goal."

Itachi pondered on this. It did make sense and he certainly did _not _want that female lunatic sleeping with him. She would probably rape him in the middle of the night while he was asleep.

For once in his life, Uchiha Itachi had been trapped in a corner- one that involved making a deal with a girl who liked making fun of him to get away from a crazy woman.

He gave in grudgingly, telling Sorano, "Fine, you can sleep in my bed. Just don't let that woman get near me."

"Good, then that's settled. Handshake," she offered, sticking her hand out.

Looking down at it warily, he repressed a sigh and took the handshake, shaking it up and down robotically a few times and then letting go.

Suddenly, Sorano looked down at her hand and cried happily, "Ooh, I'll never wash _this _hand again!"

Itachi looked at her oddly, not knowing what to say.

"Ha, kidding! I was just imitating Saiko," she grinned goofily, looking at his shocked face.

He glared at her. "That _wasn't _funny."

"Well, it was funny to me," she stated before crawling back into her bed.

The two slept as far away from the other as much as they could, which wasn't very far. The body heat that the two created finally forced Itachi to crawl out of the bed and take off his Akatsuki cloak. While he was hanging it over the back of a chair that was nearby, the rest of the Akatsuki members entered the room.

He hastily scrambled back into bed and pulled the covers well over his head- almost as if he was hiding from the Bogeyman.

Saiko had already noticed that he had done this and screamed as loud as she could, emitting a piercing shriek that echoed throughout the entire area.

Itachi felt as if his ears were bleeding.

Sorano woke up with a start, frantically looking around. "I'm up, _I'm up_, what's wrong? And Itachi, why do you have the blanket wrapped around you? Are you cold?"

He sat up immediately and gave her a glare that would kill more squirrels.

It did not affect her.

"Saiko, why the _hell _did you scream?" Kakuzu seethed, his face bright red.

She looked at him and replied, "Itachi _hates _me!" Then, she burst into tears, covering her face with her slim, pale hands.

"…_that's _why you screamed?" Sasori asked, also getting up.

"Oh, you're awake," Sorano thought aloud.

"Yes, I am, and it appears the drugs are finally wearing off. I am no longer attracted to you," Sasori informed her calmly.

"Really?" she questioned, sounding a bit excited.

He looked at her for a moment and sighed. "No, I think I still like you. How very unfortunate…"

Saiko huffed loudly and screeched, "Guys, pay attention to _me_! I simply _do not _understand why you keep talking to _her_ instead of ME!"

Itachi stared at her coldly. "Perhaps it's because she isn't a spoiled adolescent like you."

She gasped, her hand smacking her chest dramatically.

There was a pause. Apparently, it seemed as thought she was in shock and was searching for a good comeback.

"How _dare _you!" she finally exclaimed.

"I am not going to continue this conversation," he stated. Then, he lay back down and snuggled under the blue covers.

"Alright then, someone turn off the lights. I'm going back to sleep, too," Sasori announced, also laying back down and throwing the blanket over his face.

"Same for me. I have to get up at five o' clock and check what the current budget for this organization is," Kakuzu said, bidding them good night and worming under the covers like Itachi and Sasori did.

Saiko couldn't believe it! How dared they ignore her and treat her like a spoiled brat! She was Uchiha Saiko, one of the last survivors of the Uchiha Massacre! She was the all-knowing, powerful, smart, and _beautiful _new member of the Akatsuki!

She had to come up with a plan, and fast- especially since that ugly girl, _Sorano_, had stolen Sasori, Kakuzu, and Itachi away from her already.

If she didn't do anything soon, then _that girl _would take Hidan, Deidara, Zetsu, and the Leader away from her (_hey_, she forgot Tobi!).

For tonight, she would have to sleep with the manliest man that she had left: Hidan.

So this night, the pairings went like this, and a few of them seemed quite odd indeed:

There was Sorano and Itachi, the bickering pair.

Hidan and Saiko, for she fancied this man so.

Deidara and Tobi slept together, thus making this pairing the only normal one.

Kakuzu and Zetsu shared a bed and Zetsu's huge Venus flytrap that was growing out of his shoulders attempted to bite Kakuzu's head off. This was when Kakuzu pushed Zetsu off of the bed.

Kisame, the lucky one, had the queen-sized bed ALL to himself.

They were all fast asleep… except for one.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen- you were right. 'Uchiha' Saiko was awake, plotting a marvelous and brilliant plan, a plan so perfect it would never fail!

Oh, and to answer your question, _yes_, it does involve drugs.

Wanna see how this will all turn out?

_Find out in the next chapter…_

* * *

**If you want the next chapter, you better review... or else.**

No no, I'm just joking! But I really want to know if you liked the chapter or not. I also want to know which parts you liked the best, or if I need to work on including _this _or _that_, or whatever.

So please review. :)


	3. Saiko's Downfall

**Hello everyone!**

Okay, after reading the previous chapter three, I was so disgusted by how rushed it was...

So I wrote a new chapter!

It's completely different from the other chapter three.

Sorry for the confusion.

**_Review after you're done, please- even a quick 'good chapter' works for me!_**

* * *

Chapter Three

It wasn't even morning yet. The usual golden rays of sunlight that streamed through the windows lit up the dark, cavernous room, but were absent for now.

After all, it was only four in the morning.

Itachi and Saiko sat up at exactly the same time.

She smirked sexily, whispering, "Good morning, _darling_. Slept well?"

Itachi ignored her.

The two stood up, whipped on their cloaks, and slid out of the room silently. They accelerated into a run, which turned into a sprint, in a race towards Itachi's favorite training spot. Saiko knew exactly where this was, having stalked him the previous day.

"Why are you following me?" the Uchiha hissed angrily.

"Because we belong together," she giggled, her laugh sounding like bells chiming.

_That is not natural, _Itachi thought to himself.

Suddenly, he halted and dashed back to the hideout. Something was wrong with her. He knew what it was.

He burst into the bedroom and closed the door firmly behind him, sealing it with a little bit of genjutsu to ward off outsiders into thinking that they were in Candyland.

He needed to wake everyone up, but how?

Well, Kakuzu and Hidan were already up. Kakuzu, because he had to count his bills and manage the Akatsuki's bank account, and Hidan, because he had to pray and meditate near the waterfalls before six.

Kisame and Zetsu normally got out of a bed an hour later than them, so they were pretty light sleepers.

However, Sasori, Sorano, Tobi, and Deidara were very heavy sleepers.

"Itachi, what the hell are you still doing here? You normally wake up and get out of here before the sun fucking rises," Hidan said, jerking Itachi out of his thoughts.

"I have something urgent to tell everyone," he replied calmly.

"Too bad- they're all out cold," Kakuzu stated.

"Well then, wake them up," Itachi commanded.

Hidan and Kakuzu looked at each other.

After a short pause, they nodded and walked around the room, poking and prodding the ones who were still asleep.

Itachi got Kisame and Zetsu up merely by throwing off their bed sheets.

Tobi was also not a problem. Out of the blue, he sprang out of bed and exclaimed happily, "I had the best dream about bunnies last night!"

Itachi glanced at him nonchalantly and continued on with his work.

"Deidara, wake up," he hissed frostily, tugging harshly on the blonde's half-ponytail.

"_WHO DARES TO TOUCH THIS ONE'S HAIR, YEAH?_" Deidara roared, leaping out of bed. Foam dribbled down his chin and his eyes began to redden, casting off a wild, animal-like appearance.

Itachi disregarded him and continued onto Sorano and Sasori's bed.

Usually Sasori woke up bright and early to oil his puppets and make sure that they were in good condition, but now that he was a human again, he had reverted back into his lazy manner.

Itachi threw off their bed sheets and immediately, Sorano curled into a fetal position, sucking her thumb.

The Uchiha glanced at her with disgust, and went over to where she was.

"Get up," he said coldly.

These two words had no affect on them. They were still sleeping peacefully.

"Hidan, get them to wake up," he commanded the religious man.

"Alright, I'll get those fucking heathens up," he smirked, walking over to them with his huge scythe in hand.

He was about to decapitate their heads when Tobi jumped on him crying, "Itachi-san said to wake them up, not to kill them!"

"Tobi, don't use suffixes, please," Kisame told the orange-masked man wearily.

"Why, Kisame-san?"

"Because the author's a lazy ass and doesn't want to type them every time we address each other."

"Oh, okay."

Then, an idea struck Kisame. He knew how to get the two up.

He strutted over to them like a stork on drugs, and whispered, "Saiko's here and she would love to make babies with you two."

The two immediately sat up, wide-eyed.

"Are you serious?" Sasori asked, looking like a scared little boy.

"NO WAY! I didn't know she was a lesbian!" Sorano gasped, looking pale.

"Apparently, she's bi," Kisame lied.

Sorano dragged herself out of bed and wrapped her Akatsuki cloak tightly around her while slipping her huge glasses onto her dry face, trembling with fear.

Sasori also slid quickly out of bed and clutched his cloak around him, covering his entire body.

"Now that everyone is finally up, I have some important news. I have found out who, or _what_, Saiko is," Itachi announced.

Everyone faced him, instantly alert.

"What do you mean?" Sorano questioned.

He turned to look at her with a grim expression on his face and said, "She is not a _homo sapien_. In fact, she is a highly dangerous _Machina speculatrix_."

Kakuzu and Zetsu's eyes darkened, having understood this horrific piece of news.

The others merely looked at him oddly.

"What the hell is a _machina speculatrix_?" Hidan asked.

"A _homo sapien_ means a human, right?" Kisame frowned.

Itachi repressed an urge to roll his eyes. The Akatsuki consisted of the most treacherous, S-class criminals in the world, and they didn't even know the scientific names for the simplest things.

"Yes, _'homo sapien'_ is the scientific name for a human. _'Machina speculatrix'_ is the scientific name for a machine, or a robot," he informed them coldly.

"Oh… wait, so you think she's a _robot_?" Sorano inquired, shocked.

Itachi nodded.

"Why?"

"I heard her laugh a few minutes ago, and it sounded like bells chiming. Also, it's as though her every move is controlled by a series of codes inserted in by someone. The way she moves opposes the very law of physics. Even her face is completely symmetrical. She's too perfect."

"Yeah, I agree. She's so perfect that it's frightening," Sasori grimaced.

"You're right. I saw her jump eighty meters down yesterday, and as she was descending, she appeared as if she was _floating_ down," Kisame shook his head, "it was weird."

"She might be programmed by one of our enemies to sabotage the Akatsuki," Sasori thought aloud.

Zetsu and Itachi agreed.

"So how do we get rid of her? She seems to be almost _invincible_," Sorano sighed.

"Did the leader pick you two up at the same time?" Kakuzu suddenly questioned.

She shook her head. "I had seen her previously at a weapon shop. Her movements were jerky and rough. I knew something was wrong with her, but I shrugged it off. Later, the leader appeared and told me that Saiko had suggested recruiting me as a new member. I thought that this was _really _weird, seeing as how I was barely a jounin and didn't even know the woman. They took me against my will and transported me here."

"I think that whoever created her didn't have a chance to oil her joints earlier in the day, and that's probably why her movements were jerky," Sasori informed them wisely.

"Did her movements seem rough when the leader got you?" Kisame asked.

"No, they seemed smooth and natural."

"Her joints were _definitely_ oiled after the encounter," Sasori muttered.

Itachi thought for a moment. Then, he asked Sasori, "Do you know anything about machines?"

"I'm a puppet master, not a robotics whiz. But yes, I do know a little about them."

"Do you know their weaknesses?"

"Well, they're basically built from a bunch of wires with several protective layers of metal surrounding that. So I would say that the circuit system would be their weak point. Snip some wires or dunk them in water. That should cause several malfunctions, if not completely screw them over."

"I think it might be more complicated then that…" Sorano said uneasily.

"What do you mean?" Sasori glared. "I don't think _you _know anything about robotics."

The love potion that Sasori had in his system had apparently worn off.

"I didn't say that I'm smarter than you or anything. It's just… she has a bunch of data systems and stuff, right? Don't we have to hack into that and change the codes? I mean, getting rid of the layers of metal and cutting the wires sounds too easy."

"She's right," Kisame shrugged.

"I don't think bombs can get rid of the metal around Saiko's body that easily, yeah. It's probably made up of the strongest metal and material there is, yeah," Deidara said.

"Like what?" Sasori asked.

"The strongest metal is Beryllium and the strongest transition metal is Titanium, but I don't think she's made out of that, yeah. I think it's even stronger, yeah."

"If those two are the strongest metals in the world, what's stronger than that?" Sorano inquired.

"She could be made up of carbon nanofibers, yeah. They're the strongest material known, yeah."

"Deidara, how do you know so much about this?" Kisame asked, obviously impressed.

Deidara shrugged. "I work with bombs, yeah? I have to know how strong my bomb has to be to blow up certain materials, like metals and crap, yeah."

"Is anything stronger than carbon nanofibers?" Sasori questioned.

"Well, any particle from a black hole, which is super dense, yeah. It's stronger than anything else known by humanity, yeah."

The others sighed.

"That's fucking great," Hidan mumbled. "So she's probably made of Titanium and Beryllium, carbon nanofibers, something unknown by humanity, or both."

"That's pretty much it, yeah."

"So what we need to focus on is getting rid of the layers," Itachi informed them.

"Deidara, can you make a bomb that's strong enough to blow that stuff up?" Sorano asked.

"I'll try my best, but it'll take awhile, yeah," he nodded.

_Thirty minutes later…_

"I got it, yeah!" Deidara declared triumphantly.

"What the hell? You have it already?" Hidan questioned him, surprised.

He nodded and held up a lumpy clay-formed Pikachu.

The others didn't know what to make of this.

"Uh… you sure that'll work, Deidara?" Sasori asked, full of doubt.

He nodded again.

"I hate to break it to you, but a Pokémon-shaped thing isn't going to be the downfall of Saiko," Sorano informed him.

Deidara glared at her and said, "_Look_, I know it looks too cute to be a bomb, but that's the whole purpose. Underneath this innocent clay exterior are compact atomic bombs, several chemical explosives, hydrogen bombs, thermonuclear bombs, fusion bombs, and a mass of fissile material assembled into a supercritical mass- the amount of material needed to start an exponentially growing nuclear chain reaction."

A stunned silence filled the dark room.

Sasori broke it by clearing his throat and croaking out, "Wow, that's gonna screw her up over."

Everyone else nodded, obviously in awe of Deidara's incredible amount of skill and wisdom.

"Let's do this," Hidan smirked, gripping his scythe excitedly.

Sorano went over and prayed in the corner, asking that the bomb would destroy only Saiko and not explode on anyone else.

"We can finally fucking kill that bitch," Sasori smiled happily.

Sorano impulsively jumped on him and shook his shoulders violently, yelling, "Don't start cursing or else you'll seem Ghetto and like a wigger!"

"What's a wigger?" he asked, stunned.

"…I'm not sure," she replied slowly. "But I know it's something bad."

"Okay."

Thus, Sasori stopped cursing from that day on and scolded anyone else who swore.

Anyways, moving on with the story!

"So Deidara, all we gotta do is move that bomb near Saiko and blow it up?" Kisame inquired.

"Yeah."

"How are we going to do that?" he asked again.

"Gift it to her with a note on it that says 'From Itachi', yeah."

"Great idea."

So the plan was in motion. Sorano gently placed the lumpy Pikachu bomb into a brown box, wrapped it with some sparkly pink wrapping paper, and Fed-ex'd it.

The present arrived the next day to Saiko, who opened it eagerly.

Deidara and Itachi watched from afar, hidden behind some branches and concealing their chakra levels so that she wouldn't be able to detect their presence.

"Farewell… Saiko the Psycho, yeah," Deidara mumbled under his breath. He then placed his fingers together and shouted, "CATCH-EM-ALL-JUTSU!"

A concentrated explosion surrounded the area where Saiko was currently standing. Thick, colorful smog swirled into the shape of a Pikachu, and successfully destroyed the thick layers of metal that surrounded her.

When the smoke cleared, Deidara and Itachi could see Saiko clearly. Bit of metal clung to masses of pink, yellow, and orange wires. The wax and paint on her once-flawless face was melted, the goo oozing down the sides of her thin, wired neck.

Her bionic eyes crackled and fizzed, and her arm abruptly fell off.

Itachi, without hesitation, rushed forward and snipped all of the wires in half with a pair of very sharp scissors. Deidara followed behind and poured a bucket of water all over her, causing several explosions to go off all around her body.

Saiko let out a very high-pitched screech before her mechanical body fell completely apart, bolts and wires flying everywhere.

The Mary Sue was defeated.

The Akatsuki was finally free.

* * *

**Yay, the Mary Sue's finally gone!**

I wanted to get rid of her so bad because the whole story revolved around her.

This can be the end of this story, but I feel like it's only half-finished.

I have all these questions for myself like, _who sent the Mary Sue? __Will Konan come back?_**_ And what will happen to Sorano?_**

**Therefore, I will continue the story.**

Review if you liked it, leave a flame if you didn't, and leave constructive criticism if you have advice for me.

**_I'm sorry this chapter wasn't humorous at all, but some parts were meant to be serious. _**


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